Establishing or (now that its' unraveled, how can I Re-establish) Trust:

When I meet parties in mediation I have to keep in mind that I know virtually nothing about their situation – a situation that they may have been living with for years. So, in order to “catch myself up” on what they are thinking and feeling, I make sure that I do one thing and I try to do it well – I listen. Sometimes people have not had a chance whatsoever to voice their feelings and frustrations and they need that time to simply vent. Other times they have figured out what the end result should be and are ready to start negotiating. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between.

I can’t tell you how many times people thank me for my help and all I did was listen to their answer to my two questions…..“what do you want to accomplish today?” and “if you had a magic wand, what would be the best possible outcome you can think of?” Believe it or not both questions really get people where I need them to be – to start thinking about solutions – they may start with an unreasonable “list” but over time they realize that in order to get you have to give. The key to getting to a settlement of any kind, whether it is a partial or full agreement, is to hear what each side is telling you. So, if you are experiencing any kind of disagreement you have to listen and HEAR what the other side has to say. After all, their perception has most likely become their reality. Once you acknowledge their position, even if you don’t believe or agree with it, you’ve at least moved in the right direction. You’ll never establish or re-establish trust until the other side knows that you are listening. You might be very surprised at what happens next. At the very least it might open the door to a mindset that it’s worth talking about more, with or without the help of someone like me.